I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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