broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
