Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
