Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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