Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
did i just pee glitter
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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