As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
