I smell stomach acid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
