i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
