Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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