There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
