New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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