Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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