did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need to sanitize my soul.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
