I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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