You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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