not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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