I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
