So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
