Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize