Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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