dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
