Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
