i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
