Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize