ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They have beer where we have blood.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
