There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize