oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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