Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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