Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we're making bets on your personal life
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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