just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize