I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
His nipple licking is glorious
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
