know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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