I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
