Got a toothbrush?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
