I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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