my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
