The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
