The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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