The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
