I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude. I can hear the air.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
