Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
