I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
