The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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