my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
