Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
