dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
