He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Randomize
