I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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