no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
