apparently the secret to your success is patron
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
