I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
