I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
