First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
