Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
