The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
