so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
