im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
