so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
